


Inside

by frenchifries



Series: Future Brite [6]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/F, M/M, Pesterlog, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-03
Updated: 2017-11-03
Packaged: 2019-01-28 20:10:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,809
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12614500
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/frenchifries/pseuds/frenchifries
Summary: Getting fucked is scary.





	Inside

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]  
TG: hey rose  
TG: i mean  
TG: not really i know youre asleep bc its like fucknuts o clock in the morning  
TG: uh  
TG: thats on purpose tbh  
TG: i wanted to ask you about something  
TG: and i know if i have to be anticipating your response in real time i will one hundred percent lose my nerve  
TG: so like  
TG: sorry about that i guess but uh  
TG: fuck  
TG: im already regretting this more than i thought i would  
TG: like fuckin hell dave just write it in advance and send one message right  
TG: but i guess ive already committed to making this as painfully awkward as possible  
TG: committing to that awkwardness so hard  
TG: gettin down on one knee  
TG: asking awkwardness if itll do me the honor of making me the sweatiest boy at the dance  
TG: ok ok i know im stalling its just  
TG: this is really weird and im sorry and i know this is gonna suck for both of us but i dont really know who else to ask and uh  
TG: please dont make fun of me  
TG: ok here i go  
TG: im just gonna say it  
TG: how do you know if  
TG: i mean have you ever like  
TG: when you  
TG: actually this is a bad idea nevermind  
turntechGodhead [TG] is an idle chum!  
turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]  
turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]  
TG: so like you and kanaya right  
TG: in the  
TG: you know  
TG: being like  
TG: intimate  
TG: sorry god im so sorry rose i promise this is going somewhere importantish  
TG: i just  
TG: how do i know if i want  
TG: to be  
TG: i mean what if i want karkat to like  
TG: what im trying to say is  
TG: hypothetically speaking of course  
TG: asking for a friend haha  
TG: …  
TG: how does one know when one wants to get fucked  
TG: god i thought saying it would make me feel better but that feels even worse jesus christ im sorry i really dont know who else to go to with this kind of thing  
TG: like  
TG: is that a thing youve done i guess is what im trying to ask  
TG: well not really more like  
TG: if that is a thing youve done how did you know you wanted to do it and am i a freak for feeling like  
TG: some types of emotions about this idea  
TG: like idk just to throw some completely hypothetical examples out there  
TG: arousal  
TG: fear  
TG: desperation  
TG: self hatred  
TG: like youre betraying everything you thought you felt about yourself in relation to others  
TG: like youve never wanted this youve never thought you wanted this in fact youve always been viscerally horrified and disgusted at the prospect of this but suddenly youre like  
TG: oh shit  
TG: i might want this  
TG: but also im maybe still not a hundred percent comfy with this idea  
TG: those were just some totally random examples i just pulled out my ass obviously  
TG: anyway hmu when you get these i guess  
TG: or not  
TG: whatever you want  
TG: sorry again  
turntechGodhead [TG] is an idle chum!  
TT: Dave.  
TT: My dearest, darling brother whom I cherish and adore.  
TT: Know that I say this with nothing but the fondest regard.  
TT: What the fuck did I just wake up to.  
TG: oh good youre up  
TG: its about time  
TG: i mean  
TG: not like ive been checking my phone every five seconds  
TG: obviously  
TG: that would be lame  
TT: Let me guess, it was closer to every minute and a half?  
TG: you know me so well  
TT: Of course I do. Which, I presume, is why you came to me of all people with this…  
TT: Delicate issue of yours?  
TG: fuck i said dont make fun pls  
TG: youre gonna hurt my fee fees  
TT: Frankly I am wounded you would think me so callous as to make light of your rare moment of vulnerability.  
TG: god kill me now  
TT: Honestly, Dave, as difficult as that was to read…  
TT: I’m glad you felt safe enough to bring it up to me. Your bravery is commendable.  
TG: no no and also fuck off  
TT: Is it so hard to believe I’m being even a little sincere?  
TT: …  
TT: Don’t answer that.  
TT: What I’m trying to say is, I’m proud of you.  
TG: >:(  
TT: I’m your sister. You shouldn’t be afraid to bring up serious concerns with me.  
TG: make it stop  
TT: Dave, if you’re going to disengage like this as soon as things get uncomfortable, I’m not sure I can help you.  
TG: fuck  
TG: sorry  
TG: youre right i know i just  
TG: i dont like  
TT: Putting yourself on the line? I think everyone has noticed by now.  
TT: And I realize this is awkward. Mortifying, even. Do you think I really want to be having this conversation with my brother? With anyone, for that matter? But this is, in fact, important, and it demands sacrifice on the part of my dignity and yours.  
TT: So, to answer your question.  
TG: god fuck i asked for this i deserve this im so sorry rose  
TT: Yes, I have, at times, wanted Kanaya to fuck me.  
TT: And she has, at times, fucked me.  
TG: ahhhh  
TT: Hard.  
TG: ahhhhhhhhh  
TT: And gently, as well.  
TG: ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh  
TT: And yes, realizing that was something I wanted was unexpected, and initially a bit unwelcome.  
TG: oh  
TG: really  
TT: Really.  
TG: why though  
TG: i mean  
TG: isnt that like  
TG: a normal thing for girls to want  
TT: I don’t know. Maybe it is. But it was never something I thought I wanted. I was always a bit put off by the concept of…  
TT: Hm.  
TG: things going inside other things  
TT: Exactly.  
TG: holy shit  
TG: wait seriously though  
TT: Yes, seriously! Of course seriously!  
TG: i just  
TG: i didnt think anyone else was weirded out by that  
TT: Neither did I, to be honest. I thought I was…  
TT: Well. Growing up, I had some… complicated feelings about.  
TT: You know. Sex.  
TG: for real  
TG: sorry pretend i dont keep reacting with disbelief i just  
TG: ill shut up  
TT: It all sounds a bit silly now, but back then, I only really knew of sex in the abstract. As this one particular activity involving a man and a woman and, as you described it, things going inside other things.  
TT: And I didn’t like the sound of that one bit. I just couldn’t picture myself ever being interested in that. Liking boys was already difficult enough for me. The idea of someday liking one enough to… let him do that to me was out of the question.  
TG: but you didnt realize it didnt have to be with a dude  
TT: Right. And even when I figured that out — which, what a fucking process, holy shit.  
TG: tell me about it god damn  
TT: Even then, that particular interaction still struck a sour chord with me. Perhaps because it was too reminiscent of everything I felt so disconnected from. Like in some roundabout way, it represented…  
TG: giving up  
TG: losing something  
TT: Yes!  
TG: ??  
TT: I mean, yes. It hardly occurred to me that it didn’t have to be so one-sided.  
TG: what do you mean  
TT: I suppose I always saw, well, intercourse, for lack of a better descriptor, as something inflicted on one person by another. Being on the, ahem, receiving end seemed less like ‘receiving’ and more like you said. Losing. Being… eugh… taken.  
TG: hold up  
TG: rose  
TG: did you think  
TG: i mean in your little 10 to 12 year old brain  
TG: did you think sex was just  
TG: uh  
TG: i think you know what word im not wanting to say here  
TT: Fuck.  
TT: Yeah, I think I did.  
TG: oh thank god  
TT: What?  
TG: i mean same  
TG: me too  
TG: thats how it seemed to me  
TT: Well, it makes far more sense for you to have felt that way. Surrounded by vulgar material in a household where consent wasn’t exactly a factor.  
TG: its like hey kid want some puppet dong in your face  
TG: no? too bad  
TG: i think  
TG: i think thats all i ever really knew  
TG: that plus the whole  
TG: being a guy thing  
TT: Of course.  
TG: and being a guy with my  
TG: situation  
TG: made it even worse  
TG: bc like if you want that are you even really a guy at all  
TT: I can certainly see how that would complicate things even further.  
TT: Can I be honest with you, though?  
TG: arent you already  
TG: feelin a little too honest in here tbh  
TT: Is that a no?  
TG: no of course you can  
TT: I’m relieved to know you felt the same way I did. And I realize that sounds selfish, and of course I wouldn’t wish these experiences on anyone. But god, Dave, I spent so long thinking I was crazy. Just completely fucking insane. Even I can’t discern any reasons I felt the way I did. I’ve spent ages combing through every possible bump in my psychosexual development, every potential trauma that never happened, and I could never figure it out. You probably have more reason to feel the way you do, and I’m not happy about that, believe me. But it feels good to finally be able to talk about it.  
TG: yeah  
TG: of course  
TG: i mean  
TG: this is hella fuckin weird and uncomfy but  
TG: yeah  
TG: im glad you feel the same too  
TG: even if that is selfish  
TT: Sorry, I seem to have spent longer talking about my own hang-ups than helping you with yours.  
TG: no it  
TG: it helps  
TG: so i guess what i wanna know is  
TG: what changed your mind  
TT: You realize I may have to tell my wife about this conversation. It hardly seems appropriate to be discussing our sex life with you without at least telling her after the fact.  
TG: ugh yeah i guess  
TG: will you at least like  
TG: not tell her why  
TT: I will be as discreet as possible.  
TG: discreet like a giant squid  
TT: That sounds like the opposite of discreet.  
TG: you ever seen a giant squid  
TG: tell me rose  
TG: how many giant squids have you seen  
TT: Fair enough. Yes, I will be as discreet as the most mysterious deep sea beasts undulating in the pitch dark shadows of the ocean floor.  
TG: ok way to make it weird  
TT: Isn’t that what I’m here for?  
TG: can we just like  
TG: talk about the  
TG: thing  
TT: The sex thing.  
TG: ugh yeah  
TT: Alright, but I don’t want to hear any further complaints. We are speaking purely intellectually here.  
TG: of course  
TG: im ready to be a good student  
TG: got my notebook and pen  
TG: sittin up all straight at my desk  
TG: definitely not getting distracted by the teachers rack  
TG: except the teacher is you fuck god dammit  
TT: Once again, Dave, you are my brother and my friend and I say this from a place of love.  
TT: Shut the fuck up.  
TT: …  
TT: …  
TT: So when Kanaya and I first began exploring physical intimacy…  
TT: …  
TT: Glory be, the boy can learn.  
TG: wow rude  
TT: Shush.  
TT: As I was saying.  
TT: It wasn’t on my radar to begin with. Obviously we were still rather young and I don’t think either of us was exactly itching to go straight there.  
TT: And as you yourself have no doubt discovered, there are plenty of ways to have sex that don’t involve. You know. That.  
TT: So it wasn’t a concern until a bit later, when I started to… want things I didn’t think I ever would.  
TT: And of course it was deeply troubling because here I was, so sure this was some horrific act that could never appeal to me, and yet I looked at Kanaya and thought about all the things we’d done together, all the things we could do, all the things we hadn’t done…  
TT: It was like a switch had gone off inside me and suddenly there was a desire that wasn’t there before. That I’d never _wanted_ to be there. That, to an extent, I _still_ didn’t want to be there. Much as I love her, loved her even then, the prospect of having her —  
TT: (do forgive me, Dave, this hurts me more than it hurts you)  
TT: — _inside_ me in that way, it was. Scary. It was like suddenly wanting someone to shove their hand in my eye socket. I didn’t want that. Of course I didn’t want that. But… I did. I really fucking did. _God_ did I want that.  
TT: Not the eye socket thing, obviously. That’s a metaphor. A grotesque, regrettable metaphor.  
TT: I avoided it for a while. Did my best to put it out of my mind. It wasn’t like our other activities were lacking. I don’t even know if it ever crossed her mind. But it was always at the back of my head, no matter how hard I tried to ignore it, and the longer it went on, the worse it got. We could be having a perfectly fine time and I would feel myself about to make a request I knew I would regret. I couldn’t relax and enjoy being with my girlfriend. I had to be constantly on guard, constantly feeling just that tiniest bit unsatisfied and forcing myself to stay focused enough to keep it that way. Because wanting that felt like a betrayal of everything I was and everything I believed.  
TG: wow thats  
TG: i mean thank you for being vague here i really do appreciate it  
TG: but yeah thats about the feeling  
TG: like well be  
TG: you know  
TG: and then ill think  
TG: i want him to Do Other Things  
TG: but i dont want to want that  
TG: it feels Wrong to want that  
TG: so i cant let myself say it  
TG: but i know im gonna have to eventually  
TG: i just dont know how or when and idk its really  
TT: Scary?  
TG: yeah  
TT: Yeah. It is.  
TT: I knew if I kept trying to put it off I would slip up eventually.  
TG: and did you  
TT: Bleurgh.  
TT: Yes. I super fucking slipped up.  
TT: I’m sure you don’t want to hear the details of that.  
TG: a lesser man than i would be chomping at the bit to hear the juicy deets im sure  
TT: Truly the gentlest gentleman in all the land. Such restraint, such dignity.  
TG: why do you sound like youre narrating a horse show  
TT: You’re the one who mentioned chomping at bits.  
TT: Next is Dave Strider, pure palomino saddlebred, measuring in at a strikingly petite twelve hands. Let’s get a closer look at that trot. Impressive high-stepping action, truly unparalleled.  
TG: im the best horse  
TG: neigh  
TG: ok maybe that got a little weird  
TT: Again, when isn’t it weird?  
TG: right yeah so you were talking about accidentally telling your gf you want her to fuck you  
TG: nvm i think i prefer the horse rp  
TT: Oh, Dave. You can engage in as much pony play in your free time as you’d like. For the love of god, just keep me out of it.  
TG: fuck you if anybodys into pony play here its you  
TG: little miss my mom literally bought me a real life pony  
TT: I think we are both forgetting which family member is the most obvious candidate.  
TG: can we like not talk about him right now  
TG: you know i even considered going to him for all of like five seconds before realizing that was the stupidest idea id ever had  
TT: I can see why you wouldn’t like that prospect. Although, he may have some input of value further down the line.  
TG: hows that  
TT: Just in terms of experience, I mean.  
TG: please tell me you dont regularly think about what our teen dad-bro does in the bedroom  
TT: How many years have we known each other? Contemplating others’ behavior, bedroom or otherwise, is kind of What I Do.  
TG: ugh  
TG: youre gross  
TT: I never claimed otherwise.  
TG: no but you sure have a way of making people think youre better than them  
TT: Aw, that’s sweet of you to say.  
TT: But I think you’re taking advantage of the tangent to avoid what is ultimately the crux of our discussion.  
TG: ugh ok fine go for it  
TT: You’re the one who asked me to help you. I’m doing my best, here.  
TG: yeah but that doesnt mean i have to act gracious about it  
TG: anyway  
TG: you were saying you slipped up  
TT: I was. I did. In the throes of a heated moment, I may have said exactly what I had been trying to avoid saying.  
TG: and then  
TT: And then we sat down and had a mature discussion.  
TT: By which I mean I ran the fuck out of there and took an hours-long shame shower. And eventually, after a shame nap in a shame blanket cocoon, we talked about it.  
TG: yikes  
TT: Yikes indeed.  
TT: But I explained myself, and she listened, and we talked about all the weird hang-ups and complexes. And I realized this framing I had in my head, this idea of how it all worked, what the dynamic was? That didn’t have to be reality. I wasn’t losing anything, or ‘letting’ someone do something to me. Not with Kanaya.  
TG: yeah  
TG: i guess youre right  
TG: i mean i guess i already knew that i just  
TG: this is different than like  
TG: realizing oh shit i want this guy to be my Boyfriend  
TG: this feels  
TG: scary and gross and bad in a really gut deep way  
TG: but i dont want it to feel like that  
TG: and i guess it doesnt have to  
TG: i just dont know how to make it not feel like that  
TT: Well, it was a process. There were several attempts, and a lot of false starts, and maybe a little bit of  
TT: crying  
TT: (on whose part I will not divulge)  
TT: but we kept trying. And talking. God there was a lot of talking.  
TT: And eventually, we got there. And it was good. Really, really fucking good.  
TT: And it’s not something I always want, it’s not something I’m always in the right headspace for. But sometimes, yeah. Sometimes I want to get railed by my smokin’ hot wife and there’s nothing anyone can do to stop me.  
TG: ok so  
TG: moral of the story is  
TG: talk about your feelings and then bang  
TT: The moral of the story is, nothing about those societal frames from a dead world in a dead universe have to apply anymore. We’ve already eschewed most of them. And yes, this is different. In a lot of ways, this is far more visceral and vulnerable and terrifying.  
TT: But when you have those feelings, tell your partner, Dave! Tell him what you want, what you’re afraid of, and then go slow. As slow as you need to. And if it’s bad, you can stop. And if it never happens, it never happens, but at least you’ll know you’ve tried.  
TG: i feel like you couldve said that at the start  
TT: Yes, but it wouldn’t have made you nearly as uncomfortable.  
TT: Also I think that’s some pretty basic shit that you already knew. It’s figuring out what your feelings actually are that’s the hard part.  
TT: Well, the other parts are hard, too.  
TG: omfg  
TT: Not! Like that!  
TT: What I mean is, you’ve got a lot of conflicted thoughts around the subject, but when you’re in those moments, you know what you want. And we both know Karkat. He’s not going to hurt you or push you or take anything you’re not willing to give.  
TT: In fact, it’s probably better to stop thinking about it in terms of giving and taking.  
TG: youre probably right  
TT: I’m always probably right.  
TG: yeah  
TG: you are  
TG: ok  
TG: ok i  
TG: yeah  
TG: thanks i guess  
TG: i mean  
TG: for seriously  
TG: thank you  
TG: and also im sorry  
TG: that you had all those fucked up feelings and didnt understand why  
TG: and couldnt talk about it with anyone  
TG: i know how shitty that feels  
TT: I don’t know what to say. That is… alarmingly sincere of you.  
TG: yeah yeah dont get used to it  
TG: these walls are goin right back up ok  
TG: this is a temporary thing  
TG: you just got me all out of wack talkin about  
TG: mortifying shit  
TG: gimme like an hour ill be back to normal  
TG: so uh  
TG: i guess that helped  
TG: a lot  
TG: so i should probably  
TG: do some thinkin on my own right now  
TT: Please do.  
TG: ok well see ya  
TG: and thanks  
TG: and dont you dare ever tell anyone about any of this  
TG: except kanaya i guess she deserves to know a little bit  
TG: but not too much  
TT: Yes, speaking of my wife —  
TT: (have I mentioned Kanaya is my wife? We’re married. That’s still super A Thing.)  
TG: yes god we get it  
TG: its already been like a year you can stop going on about it  
TT: I will not.  
TT: Alas, I should be going. Wifely duties are demanding my attention.  
TG: gross  
TT: I love you, too.  
TG: double gross  
TT: Well, good luck. I know this isn’t exactly anyone’s idea of a good time, but I am glad you messaged me. I may have spent years playing therapist for my own self-aggrandizement but I do care about you and I am always willing to help. I promise not to make fun of you too badly.  
TG: ugh ok we get it youre my weird gross sister  
TG: just go do your wife stuff or whatever  
TT: Goodbye.  
TG: bye  
TT: Oh, and Dave?  
TG: what  
TT: Neigh.  
tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> haha wow this kind of spun way out of control from what i initially intended. but a lot of the stuff in here is very personal to me and very deeply based on my own feelings, and idk if anyone else in the big wide world feels the same way i do, but i thought it was at least worth it to put it out there.
> 
> anyway next chapter or two or three will actually contain The Fuckening.


End file.
